"You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."
"One day I will realize
what I had.
I will realize that
you gave me
the fucking world
and I will realize
that I threw it away
because I wanted whiskey
to make my hands shake
instead of you.
I tried to kill my sadness
by tearing myself apart,
and I’m sorry.
God, I’m so
I can’t remember
the last time we
were really in love,
but I do remember
that we were.
I remember our three
hour long phone calls
and the way you said
you loved me with
I’m sorry I always tasted
like vodka and apologies
and I’m sorry that some days
I was too cold to touch.
I’m sorry that
although I tried to give
you the world,
it was never much."
I fall in love with broken boys, with their deep wounded souls and the way they look bleakly at the world.
I fall in love with broken boys until their demons become my own and all I want to do is to be the light in their clouded lives.
I fall in love with broken boys and when I realize I can’t fix them anymore than I can fix myself, I let them slip away because what good are two broken things together?
I fall in love with broken boys and it’s a curse how I could never heal from the scars they leave on my tattered body."
The Ocean Knows of Agony
You tried to kill yourself one year ago today. There was a bouquet of amaryllis and scotch broom left on the kitchen counter, but there was no note attached. I found you in the claw foot tub of our one bedroom apartment. The sink was dripping ever so often, keeping time with your pulse. Pink tinted bath water and rosemary eyes. I try to convince myself otherwise but I still believe that you did not want to be saved. Hauled up out of the no longer warm bath water, hair wet and mangled, blood dripping down your fingers.
Our living room is filled with silence most days and an after glow of the fear that held me in its arms. I used to see you here. Now I just see a void, an absent seat where we used to sit together in our life. Though its been months since I’ve found any crumpled up drafts of your suicide note; I cant remember what it felt like to not be afraid of waking up to find you dead in the next room. You are a tracing of your former self. I almost lost you, there at the end I thought I had for sure.
I am haunted by what could have been, what I could have found in that bathroom if I had gotten home only 10 minutes later. You said you had dreams of being more self sufficient, having a stronger sense of self and I suppose I did too. I am not strong enough to lose you. But this is not my battle and you are not my weapon of defense.
I need to stop screaming to the ocean when no one else is around. It knows agony better than anyone else, so vast and deep that anything that tried to control it would be swallowed in the end. I guess our love was like that and you didn’t know what you were getting yourself into. You told me that you would give me everything in the world but you could not promise that you would stick around. All I can say is that I am grateful you choose to stay here, even if for only one more day.
"My grandpa fought in World War II and here I am afraid to leave my room."
"You held my hand as if it were broken glass and you were afraid of being cut."
Asteria Lauren - (via moonrise-vibes)
Remembering How My Demons Became Yours
I remember how sometimes I would catch glimpses of demons hiding beneath your eyes. You were so guarded then, so quick to reject anything that wasn’t in your control. But it somehow only made you seem more fragile. It used to frighten me; the way you would move around in the shadows and stare into corners like you could see things that we couldn’t. Maybe that’s why you seemed so frightened all the time, underneath that mask that eventually became your face. Even when you were with me.
I was afraid that if I bumped into you, you might tip over and all your darkness would spill out onto the carpet and leave a stain of your memory that would last long after you left me. You turned everything in my life dark purple and my heart became mushy like the rotted blueberries that were left out too long on the cutting board.
I don’t know why you left. Maybe the things inside your head started to take over and you couldn’t control it any longer, or maybe you were just tired of the anxiety that came along with loving someone like me. It wasn’t until long after you were gone that I realized that demons are not external beings, rather they are something that is created within yourself and that what I saw behind your eyes was not demons inhabiting your body, but fears that I placed there myself.
Asteria Lauren - (via moonrise-vibes)